The 2011 Making Progress Blues Awards

Darn the holes in the red carpet! Prepare to have to pretend to find James Corden in any way funny in case the cameras are on you! Day-dream pleasantly of beating Jonathan Ross to death with half a house brick!

Yes, it's that time of year again! Welcome to the ballroom of London's glittering Grosvenor House Hotel (not, in any way, a table at the back of the saloon bar of the Lamb & Flag) for the 2011 Making Progress Blues Awards!

And what a year it's been for those of us who travel on two wheels. Our awards tonight recognise all that's wonderful, and much that's shit about biking.

We'll celebrate the highs, we'll remember the lows, we'll forget which awards we're at after an hour of sneaking off to the loo during the ad breaks to imbue cheap cocaine provided by the PR company and, let's be honest, later we'll be arrested for punching a paparazzi outside the Ivy.

Let's kick off the show with the award they all want to lose.

The "Yeah, I'm In The Car Mate" Award for worst driven car of 2011.

This award recognises the vehicle which presents the greatest danger to bikers by being driven most consistently with no care and attention, or any skill whatsoever.

The nominations are:

1. Last year's winner, the Audi A4: over-priced, under-powered, over-blinged and always driven with something to prove, this hideously aspirational shitbox excelled again in 2011 with endless tail-gating, fog-light use, under-taking and general needle-dick-with-issues-carrying uber-twattery.

2. The BMW 1-Series. Days after spending £35,000 on one, most 1-Series drivers realised it was a shopping trolley which could be out-dragged by a Mini and proceeded to try to drive it like the M3 it wasn't - badly.

3. The Range Rover Evoque. An unlikely entry as, thanks to the fact it's never seen outside central London, it never achieved more than 22mph at any point. However, judges were impressed by the haughty but mypopic driving style of the women involved and the ability to slam the brakes on without warning on spotting a parking space, a friend or Fortnum and Mason.

And the award goes to........ 

The Audi A4! An incredible achievement in turdishness as the salesman who thinks he's Fernando Alonso's favorite retains the award for 2011! Well done Nigel!

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The George Monbiot Award for Prat or Prats Of the Year.

Let's have a look at the nominees' work this year:

1. The Government - Coming to power promising to end the "war on the motorist", remove pointless speed cameras, shut down local camera partnerships and recognise the value of biking both to the environment and the economy the Coalition has done....that's right! Nothing! Zip! Sweet FA!

2. Suzuki's board of directors - Removing their last remaining bike from the 2012 Moto GP grid helped cement Suzuki's reputation as a bike company that was big in the 90s but is now just a bike company that was big in the 90s. Marketing gold.

3. Wim van de Camp MEP - the R1-riding fella who has helped drive through the EU Parliament some of the most restrictive, damaging legislation ever introduced around biking, helping to castrate the next generation of riders before they've even bought a bike and maul the industry at a time it desperately needs help.

And the winner is....Wim van de Camp!

Let's hear it for the man who shows us all why the EU Parliament really does work for each and every one of us!

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The "Shiny! Shiny!" Award for bit of kit of the year.

Judges argued long and hard into the pint, I mean night, about this one. Let's look at the contenders:

1. Hein Gericke Master V textile suit - elderly now but still the best value out there, and supremely dry and warm.

2. Garmin 660 Zumo sat nav - does it all, and more, right down to beaming tunes into your ears as you ride along.

3. Fags - A controversial entry but as the judges recently fell off the smoking wagon nobody could argue that a good smoke after a ride is pretty much unbeatable.

And the award goes to.....fags!

To borrow from Churchill, kinda, a good ride is a ride but a cigarette is a smoke. 

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The Proper-Sized Penis Award for best driven vehicle of 2011.

This coveted award, previously won by such greats as the Porsche 911, recognises the vehicle which can best be relied on not to do something stupid and to be driven with a degree of skill and attention.

This year's nominees are:

1. The Caterham 7 - it'll probably be doing 80mph but as that feels to those aboard like 180mph they're usually looking where they're going.

2. The Land Rover 110 - oddly its shorter brother, the 90, is usually driven by mono-eyed maniacs in the middle of the road at full speed, trailing cider and Camel Trophy stickers, but the 110 seems to attract a different class of owner.

3. The Bentley Turbo R - despite being wider than Cornwall, and faster in a straight line than Mars, the venerable old B seems to be driven with a courtesy not seen on British roads since all cars were preceded by a chap with a red flag.

The dildo-shaped trophy goes to.....The Caterham 7!

Proof that men in bobble hats really are better drivers. Well done.

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The "I'm Going To Follow You Home And Feed You Your Own Collar Bones!" Award for properly deadly driving.

New this year, judges felt that the stratospheric scale of idiocy, selfishness and downright cockery behind some of the maneuvers seen in 2011 needed recognising. Let's have a look at the nominations:

1. The sudden change of lane or u-turn in traffic jams - a far from original way of killing bikers but still being finessed by turds across Britain. A classic, the judges felt.

2. Properly fast cars deciding that nothing could ever be faster than them and, thus, blasting out to overtake slower traffic without thinking there may be a bike behind them doing the same and bothering to fucking look. Incredibly dangerous and performed with particular panache by the Audi RS6 Avant.

3. The delivery of oral sex by passenger to driver. Deadly but utterly forgivable and therefore in with no chance of winning. At all. Ever.

The award goes to....lane changes and u-turns in traffic! Well done you selfish, evil, ignorant bastards.

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The "Yes! I AM Nicky Hayden! Kneel Before Me!" Award for best road of 2011.

This award is somewhat dependent on the roads the judges have actually ridden during the year. The nominations:

1. The A260 from Banker's Hill to Banbury, Oxfordshire. Nominated last year too, but failed to win. Perhaps 2011 will be it's year.

2. The E21, dropping down through the Alps from Geneva into France through endless tunnels, huge cliffs and drop-offs and surrounded by cloud.

3. The N106, south through the Cevennes National Park to Florac - twisty, lovely, lovely and twisty.

There could only be one winner though, for sheer speed and scenery and the ability to drive through mile-long tunnels the E21 is the clear winner in 2011.

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And our final award, as is traditional....

The Making Progress Blues Award for Biking Personality Of The Year.

The award goes each year to the individual who's had the greatest impact on bikers or biking.

This year - no nominations, no spiel, no jokes, no fucking justice...one winner:

Super Sic

20th January 1987 - 23rd October 2011

God Bless

That concludes the 2011 awards everybody. Ride safe, ride well. Let's hope we can end on a gag in 2012.